Orr Hot Springs, November 2013

As soon as I became a mother, I starting hearing advice that I needed to be sure to take “Me Time.” Bleary-eyed with milky exhaustion, occupied 24/7 with learning how to care for a newborn, I nodded at what sounded like wisdom, but I didn’t really know what it meant.

Personally, I hate the phrase “Me Time.” It sounds so upper class, so privileged, so optional. For me, the phrase summons up the image of a perfectly coifed woman getting a mani-pedi while reading a magazine.

Over my motherhood journey, I’ve found that for me, “Me Time” has come to mean time dedicated to relaxing, restoring and rejuvenating myself. It is time set aside for my mental and physical health, time to think my own thoughts and to feel my own emotions, without having to simultaneously field requests for starchy snacks.

This kind of self time is not optional, not if I want to live the kind of life I aspire to. Not if I want to be the kind of mother I hope to. And while this time might be diminished during certain times of intensity, if it starts to become too little, well, let’s just say I get very cranky.

Recently, I was at a writing workshop for moms, and one woman remarked, “Writing time isn’t Me Time. It’s writing time.” Everyone, myself included, nodded and muttered hmmm like she had said something very true. But then I thought, “Really? Is that true for me?” If time I spend writing creatively isn’t meant for restoration, rejuvenation or some kind of inspiration and creative expression, then what is it? Is it Chasing a Dream Time? Is writing a blog post Communicating My Ideas Time?

One thing that I definitely qualify as “Me Time” is exercise. Since becoming a mother, I started thinking of exercise more and more as a mental health activity. Sure, I wanted to firm up and lose the baby weight, but more than that, I wanted interior quiet in a world suddenly filled with loud noises. After a good workout, I feel that internal quietness. Sometimes I feel creatively inspired. Sometimes I’ve had a realization about a problem or situation. And sometimes I just feel sweaty. But any way I slice it, exercise is quality self-care time that restores and rejuvenates me, leaves me in a better place than I came to it. It helps me sleep better. It helps me laugh rather than get frustrated when I spend another 20 minutes searching for a Lego guy’s helmet. It helps me not take poop in the new underwear too seriously.

So what else is “Me Time”? Decompressing with an episode of Modern Family could be, if I can really sink into the relaxation of it. But if I’m watching the show while feeling stressed about not getting enough sleep that night, how restorative can that be? Same with surfing the Internet. Do it with intention, curiosity, and a firm time limit, and it can be fun. Do it with no self-control, exhaustion fueling a constant search for The Next Thing, and it can leave me feeling more strung-out and overstimulated than an hour spent wrangling a cranky toddler.

So what I’m left with is that determining what is and isn’t “Me Time” is not so much about activities (though they do help – I’m not going to argue that paying the bills is restorative). But more than what I’m doing, it’s about how I’m doing it. It’s about intention.

And for those times that I do have a little time that I could use to help me feel restored and rejuvenated, but instead, I check my email, I made a handy-dandy list of “Me Time” activities that are doing it for me right now:
• Rocking myself in the hammock, appreciating the womb-like sensation and the clouds in the sky
• Lying under a tree in the park, looking up at the branches (a fun little trick that I can do at the park while my kids are playing – sneaking in a minute of Me Time in the middle of Kid Time)
• Reading a novel, a short story, an interesting essay. Basically, any reading that’s intentional, not for work, and not People.com
• Reading People.com, so long as I’m really enjoying it and not procrastinating something else
• Ditto with reading other peoples’ blogs
• Soaking in the new hot tub – the best kind of body/mind restoration
• A hot shower is a close second
• Sitting down, looking around, and appreciating whatever beauty is there in that moment
• Getting a massage (it happens once a year!)

And as for the question of whether writing creatively, with no one paying me or giving me edits or deadlines, should qualify as “Me Time,” I think I’m going to go with the idea that it fits into another, slightly different category. Writing is about stoking some kind of creative fire. And while doing that certainly qualifies as a kind of taking care of myself, it’s in a slightly different way than these more restorative, passive options, which are more about making that creative fire available, filling the well rather than using what’s in it.

Oh, and a mani-pedi while reading a magazine doesn’t sound bad either.

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